Afterlife
by aedy
Summary: Puck never lets go and Kurt never says goodbye.  Mention of Major Character Death


When Puck dies he's eighteen and he and Kurt have only been together for six months. When he realizes that he's nothing more than a ghost, he doesn't go away he stays with Kurt through his life, sees him love again but never give his whole heart, sees him always looking a little bit sad, his eyes never really shining with laughter again. A selfish part of him is happy to see that Kurt never forgets him, another part is deeply saddened because Kurt's love was something so beautiful that it didn't seem right that Kurt never showed it to someone else.

He sees Kurt mourn his father's death.

"I was sure I'd see you," Burt tells him. He looks a bit gray as if he's fading into nothing and Puck wonders how does he look. He's pretty sure he still has the body of a eighteen year old because time for him doesn't pass, but he wonders if his skin still looks tanned, if his eyes still have that bit of gold in them, he wonders if Kurt saw him, he'd still think he was hot. "He's never really been the same after you were gone."

Puck shrugs, he's not one for lots of words nowadays, his company being mostly Kurt's mother and his own Nana.

Burt sighs, or at least pretends to, then he pats Puck on the shoulder and looks around. "Is Katherine around?"

"She's waiting for you and Kurt."

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, a woman with red hair appears behind him. She slides her arm around Puck and hugs him. "How are you dear?" she asks like any other time, as if she has taken it upon herself to look after him. Then she sees Burt and her face splits into a sad smile. "I wish I could say I'm happy to see you."

Burt's eyes are shining as if he still had the capacity of crying. "I've missed you so much," he says and a moment later he's kissing Katherine and Puck looks at them with a smile.

Puck disappears to give them a moment and materializes in Kurt's bedroom in his apartment in New York. A picture of them on graduation day is still on Kurt's nightstand, a small piece of them that Kurt always carries around. He has a copy in his wallet and Puck has seen the framed one move from Kurt's home in Lima to his College room, to his first shitty apartment, and now to his loft. Kurt still says goodnight to it before bed every day.

* * *

><p>Kurt gets proposed on a summer day, he's smiling but while he loves the guy standing in front of him, Puck can see that he's not in love. Kurt shakes his head with tears streaming down his face, says that he's sorry but he can't ruin the guy's life. The man, Puck never really got his name, looks at him with confusion and hurt and then he laughs bitterly and ask if it's about the guy in the picture.<p>

That night Kurt cries in bed, his head hid in the pillow, the sobs coming from so deep inside him, that it hurts, hurts so much. It feels like a dagger twisting in his heart and the breath won't come, is not enough, nothing has been enough for a long time. His hands twist in the sheets and he wants to scream. The picture from the nightstand is under the pillow and Kurt can't stop crying, doesn't think he will ever be able to stop the tears from coming.

Puck hates himself in that moment more than he has ever hated himself, hates being dead more than he does when Kurt looks like he's waiting for someone to pat him on the back and say, "I'm proud of you."

"Noah," Kurt calls out and Puck lies down on the bed and sees goose bumps forming on Kurt's arm. That makes him hate himself more and makes Kurt cry harder and call out again.

* * *

><p>Sometimes Burt and Katherine are there with him, consoling him as if they would do if Kurt was there with them, it makes Puck feel less lonely as if he has a family again and it makes Burt and Katherine feel a bit better because they're watching over the person that means the most to their son.<p>

They watch Kurt stop dating; watch him stop talking with Carole and Finn and Rachel with the excuse that they all remind him of Puck too much, it doesn't matter if it's been more than fifteen years. The picture on the nightstand is faded and crimpled from all the times Kurt has taken it out of the frame to touch it and then put it back in its place. It gets moved from Kurt's loft in New York to Kurt's little house in California, then to his apartment in Chicago, then to the house Kurt buys in West Virginia. Puck follows him everywhere, wishes he was still there to make Kurt smile.

One night, on Puck's 35th birthday, Kurt buys Puck's favorite food, sets it down on the coffee table he has in his living room and sits down staring at the two filled plates.

"Sometimes I'm sure you're here," Kurt whispers. "Like, when I'm under the shower and the water suddenly gets cold. I know it's the old pipes, but it reminds me of when we used to fool around." Kurt smiles even though his eyes are starting to fill with tears. "You'd turn on the cold water to make me jump and you'd use the excuse of warming me up to get some action in the morning." This time he laughs and uses the sleeve of his sweater to brush away his tears. He looks up and straight at the other plate where Puck is sitting frowning and feeling like the worst person in the world.

"I thought that by the time we were thirty, we'd be married." He raises his legs and leans his chin on his knees, his arms wounding around them. "Finn and Rachel are on kid number four and I hate them a little bit more every time they send me pictures, it's why I never go to visit. I've become so bitter. It's just that…" he trails off, his voice broke by a sob. "I miss you so fucking much, it never stops hurting. It's been so long and people kept saying that time would mend all wounds and that the hurt would fade and I'd have the good memories, but I miss you. I miss you every day like it was just yesterday you left me." He laughs and it's hollow and filled with so much hurt that Puck thinks hearing him cry would hurt less. "I phrase that wrong, don't I? You would never have left me. You said that I had to give you a chance because you would never have left me. You said, "_Just let me love you, Kurt, you won't regret it, I will never leave until you ask me, until I make you unhappy." _I wish you could go away, I wish I could stop loving you and remembering you, I wish I could hate you but… You took it away with you that day. I can't tell you to leave now, can I? You're not here to listen, you're not here to ask for one more chance. You're not here to kiss me. I can't say goodbye to you, you're not here to listen."

Kurt hides his face in his knees and the sobs shake his shoulders and Puck stands up and sits down next to him. He knows he's making it worse, but he doesn't know what to do. So he slides his arm around Kurt's shoulders, feels him tense and shiver, but doesn't move away. Kurt calls his name and Puck wishes he'd have a way to let Kurt know that it's okay, that he can move on, that Puck is okay to wait on the other side like Katherine did for Burt even though Burt went on loving again, had another family.

But Burt had Kurt, and Kurt is alone, has cut himself off of his family, doesn't have a son to live for and sometimes Puck is just really scared.

* * *

><p>Kurt is forty when he dies. He doesn't kill himself, he wouldn't do that to Finn or Rachel or to Carole, wouldn't do that to the memory of his father and of Puck. It just happens that he's in the wrong place at the wrong time. He thinks Puck would say that it looks like a scene out of <em>Final Destination<em> because he's driving his car, his eyes focused on the deserted road in front of him trying to see through the rain, when the avalanche hits the car and sends him down in the ocean.

He feels the impact with the steering wheel and the door and then nothing else. When he opens his eyes he's sure he will see water getting inside the car like in the movies, but all he sees is white, white all around him. It makes him think back to when he was seventeen and about Harry Potter for the first time in years, except that it's not Dumbledore that comes out of the white, it's his father who looks like he did the last time they saw each other and it's his mom like he remembers her from when he was a kid. He feels joy spreading inside him for the first time in decades. But still, while his parents have their arms around him and he's surprised to feel them so solid, his eyes scan the white all around him hoping to spot a familiar mohawk.

"It's so soon," Burt whispers in his ear and Kurt almost wants to say that it wasn't soon enough.

Katherine pats his hair, crying because Kurt is still so young and smiling because she can finally hold her baby again. Her smile looses all sadness when she sees his eyes darting around. "He's here, just a bit shy."

Kurt pulls back frowning and then he turns around and Puck is there. He doesn't look a day over eighteen even though he looks a bit faded, as if he is a picture from an old movie. He doesn't move, he waits for Puck to meet his eyes and then he smiles, he smiles feeling happy, feels the darkness melting away. He runs to Puck, throws his arms around him, pulls him to him and he swear he can feel his heart beating faster than the first time they kissed, he thinks it's absurd that he feels more alive now that he's dead than when he was more than just a ghost.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Kurt," Puck whispers in his hair. "I ruined your life and…"

Kurt pulls back and grabs Puck's face between his hands and kisses him and he's so damn happy that he can feel the kiss, can feel the warm in his stomach, the shivers down his spine, because kissing Puck should never feel like kissing air.

"I love you," he whispers and Puck has heard him saying it every night for the last twenty two years but now he gets to say it back and Kurt will actually hear him, and it's selfish, he should still be sad over Kurt's death but he can't, not when Kurt's body is solid against him; when Kurt is kissing him again and again as if trying to relearn how to do it.

"I never forgot you."

"I know."

Kurt leans his forehead against Puck's and sighs and then takes another kiss, this time soft and lingering. "I missed you so much. So much…"

"I was there," Puck says as if he's apologizing for something that wasn't even his fault. "I never let you go, I couldn't."

Kurt smiles and pulls back so he can look into Puck's eyes. "I never let you go either."

He feels hands on his shoulders and he glances back seeing his mother and father smiling softly at them.

"We should go now," Burt says.

"We have to find out what's next," Katherine adds and she sounds excited.

Kurt's fingers slip through Puck's and he holds tightly enough to never let go. "I can't wait.


End file.
